conscious direction

My life has been spent waiting for someone to tell me what to do.

How did this happen?

I’ve never lived alone. Living with parents has its inherent passive aspects, and then I went immediately from that situation to one in which I had roommates. Very confident roommates with no qualms about expressing opinions on how to best do everything. While they are wonderful people in some ways, they’re the sort who feel they know how to do everything. I became accustomed to this, and simply learned to avoid voicing thoughts of my own. I’d start projects or attempt to change things, but would buckle under the slightest criticism or doubt.

This is not to blame them, only to point out that I had an awful lot of growing up to do.

This is no way to live. I find myself desperately wanting something, but waiting passively for it to somehow happen. When everything doesn’t magically fall into place, I get depressed and just learn to live with it.

What needs to change?

  • Figure out what I want; not just short-term, but what I actually, fundamentally want.
  • Figure out what I need; I never had to do this while I had people around to order me about.
  • Develop tenacity in achieving what I want. Be stubborn FOR myself, not against myself.
  • Stop being so depressed, and stack the deck so I can actually enjoy my life!

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